Temagami
Today is the day
The day I had been anticipating
The day I leave for Temagami
I had all already packed
my clothes already chosen
Long Hoursof looking towards the future
This leaves me with an idea
An idea of fun times ahead
I am soon up high, looking down at what seems as a Lego play set
I touch down and glide across the water
I stop
I get out and I’m greeted
The next morning I am ready for a great week
I had no idea the treacherous path that lay ahead
The first paddle is dipped into the water
A light stroke starts the journey
I think of what will happen this day
I think of light paddles
Small portages
The beautiful scenery around me
I felt great
I arrive at our first portage
Just over a kilometre of torture and pain
This is only because of my mind set
3 quarters through I put the canoe down
I am sad
Exhausted
I couldn’t go through a week of this
I was right I couldn’t
But with my friends
We could do it together
We needed to help each other and we could get through anything
The tears the pain the unknown
And we were meant to have a great time with it
We learned a great deal about ourselves and each other
Truth is when we arrived at Temagami
It was all about me
We left to go home and
We were leaving Temagawe
Austin
8 comments:
i really like your poems but they a very long but other than that they are very good.
mac wilder
Ya i also agree with mac its good but its a bit long and theres a bit of stuff you don't need so maybe you should remove some stuff and make it shorter so its only stuff u need
what do you suggest i remove?
Hey,
It really shows that you took time to make this good. You do have error words, such as "I had all already chosen". You don't need the "all". Also, "Long Hours of looking towards the future", you can take out "of" if you want. Another one is "I am soon up high looking down at what seems as a Lego play set", you can make"Soon, up high, looking down at what seems like a Lego play set". Also, "I arrive at our first portage
Just over a kilometre of torture and pain
This is only because of my mind set
3 quarters through I put the canoe down
I am sad
Exhausted
I couldn’t go through a week of this". This seems like a story, not really poem. "This is only because of my mind set" could defenetly be put into more fullfilling words. "Beacuse of my raging mind set" or such.
But other than that, great job.
D.Baum
Sorry about my last comment it shows that you really put alot of hardwork into this and you chose really good words, well done but like duff says there are some words you don't need (duff listed) and you should delete that and then that will make it shorter(but all this is up to you)
thank you for your comments I will take them into consideration and chane a bit
i really like your poem because it has some great material in it. it is a bit long but i really like when you say Long Hours, looking towards the future
This leaves me with an idea
An idea of fun times ahead
its sound greAt and it looks good too.
the begining i find is outdtanding! the day i have been anticipating really speaks to me... this poem has very few air words.. it sums up what we went through into temagami both mentally and physicley...
an extrodinary job.
i look forward to reading more
-spencer
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